the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
U talkin 2 me?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
i will not be silenced
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?