despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Okay, I’m still confused…
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart