[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat