That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
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I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
(Gaming support cat.)
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.