Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom: