HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I did not eat the cake…
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea