I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years