Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Saturday
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh