ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.