The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.