Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
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Still cracks me up
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
me logging onto twitter
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁