Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
The pasta is now
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking