I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
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Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on