WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.