If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
You Might Also Like
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
let’s discuss
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.