I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
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Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?