accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.