No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Buying a well is money well spent.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.