“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Growing out my freckles.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Flowers bee like
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence