listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you