4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
You can’t rush stupid.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…