After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence