It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.