me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
me after drinking all the wine:
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Omg 🤣
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.