(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
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me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
ready to be harvested
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
🤣🤣💀
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*