The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST