Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
God has abandoned us.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension