Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”