NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Someone just threatened to call me later
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.