“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.