Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
You Might Also Like
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Put the is in disheveled
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned