cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
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*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.