Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow