Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
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What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
This dude got his own movie?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice