Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I need to update my racial profile.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.