Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Had to try this trend 😊
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*