My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
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Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Just so funny
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives