This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
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Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
every single time
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.