I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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Two types of dogs.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.