For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
You Might Also Like
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.