Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
According to math, I’m broke
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?