the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My dog after a walk in the woods.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
notice
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.