Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
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My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
The two types of wives
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
The Sun
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I’m confused about plants
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.