ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
You Might Also Like
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Doormats are a gateway rug.