You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito