Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.