My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I love art.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.