Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Thank you corporation very cool
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My last name is Zilla.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.