My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
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I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Google assistant rules
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.