God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never